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About
Description
History
of BDD
Theories
of Causes
Personal Accounts
Glossary
of Terms
FAQ
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I
will now explain some of the most common behaviors associated with
BDD. Some people may display more than others, and to varying degrees,
but these are common themes that I've come upon when analyzing my
own behaviors and discussing the topic with other BDDers.
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Mirrors:
Checking and Avoidance
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One
of the most common behaviors displayed by a BDDer is mirror checking.
Any mirror will do, along with reflective surfaces such as store
windows, although most BDDers will have a handful of favorite mirrors
that are in places with, what they consider to be, the most appealing
lighting. I've heard more than once that the lighting from late
morning until early evening create the greatest amounts of distress.
Such light shining in a window seems to de-emphasize facial features,
making them appear akin to a human blob. This often causes the highly
perfectionistic BDDer to assume his face has morphed into a horrendous
monster, whereas most people would just blow it off as the fault
of bad lighting. Many BDDers prefer to avoid mirrors during this
time of day.
Although BDD is associated with long hours (in the upper single
digits) spent in front of the mirror, I've found that over the past
few years, I've started spending less time sitting statically in
front of one reflective surface, but instead, check only momentarily
several times a day. I consider this a great improvement. Many people
affected with BDD find that they avoid mirrors altogether, covering
them, taking them down, or turning off lights when they approach
one. Most of us have a love/hate relationship going on with mirrors,
as they can sometimes reflect an image that is better than what
we had in our minds. At other times, we are feeling confident, but
then see our reflection and fall into deep despair. What must be
remembered is the fact that this mirror checking is not the source
of pain. Often, a person with BDD can spend time in front of a mirror
and feel no associated torment. But, things become a problem when
a BDD attack accompanies this mirror checking. A BDD attack is a
BDDer's worst enemy. I use this term to describe times when you
feel hopeless, ugly, deformed, and suicidal, and it can hit at any
time and be triggered by a number of situations. Because the likelihood
of a BDD attack often occurs during stressful times, you will find
that your other BDD behaviors, such as mirror checking, will most
likely increase as well. Therefore, many BDDers find that they associate
this self-hatred and hopelessness with mirrors, and the reflection
they see staring back at them. |
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Cameras
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Another
common BDD complaint deals with photographs. Many a BDDer has avoided
intimate family gatherings or other important situations just to
prevent themselves from being photographed. They say a picture is
worth a thousand words, but to a BDDer, it is only one: disgust.
Having your face caught on film creates much distress, as we become
paranoid as to who will see it, what they will think, and feel ashamed
that anybody would have to look at us. We have no control over who
will see the photo, and what will go through their minds when they
see it. A photo almost always convinces a BDDer that their image
of themselves, in their own mind, is correct, if not worse than
they thought. In my opinion, this shows that BDDers do see themselves
just as everybody else does. They've just come to despise what they
see, and have become extremely perfectionistic, zooming in on even
the tiniest details of their appearance. They do not hold these
same standards towards others.
The interesting thing is, BDDers opinions of themselves in photographs
can change from time to time. Sometimes, they will even see a photograph
of themselves that they actually like. I have found that I've hated
certain photos in the past, to realize that they actually looked
decent, to find that I hated them all over again when they were
presented to me at a further date! Perhaps this has something to
do with what we are focusing on in the picture, as our body part
that we are obsessing over changes from day to day. If a certain
photo doesn't emphasize this hated feature, then we can view it
as a decent photo. If the feature is entirely minimized by having
the picture shot at a unique angle, then we might even like the
picture. But most BDDers do not want to take a chance being photographed,
as looking at one they consider to be bad can bring about a BDD
attack. I would say that most of our obsessive behaviors, such as
avoiding cameras, are an attempt to keep BDD attacks at bay. |
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Public Situations
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Many
BDDers have problems in public situations. Some even have problems
meeting with relatives and family members. I know that every time
I am at a family gathering, I run to the back of the house and
lock the door because I am too afraid of judgment. When seeing
my immediate family after a month of being out of contact, I will
shake uncontrollably. Most BDDers find that they are very uncomfortable
in social situations for several reasons. They first feel strangely
inhuman. They have a difficult time truly connecting to other
people, and usually feel like an outcast. Their natural body language
is often restricted, because they feel stressed that the people
around them might observe them and judge them unfavorably. It
almost seems narcissistic, feeling so singled out from the rest
of the public, yet at the same time, we do not feel that we are
separated from society because we are better than anyone else.
We feel almost as if we do not exist, and that we are separated
from the rest of the human race. It feels as if we, to use the
old cliché, stick out like a sore thumb. We are scared
to say the wrong thing, move the wrong way, smile, or even blush,
because we fear that everyone is observing us, noticing how different
we are, and we will be scrutinized and judged, and ultimately
rejected. Because of this fear, some BDDers will not leave the
house during daytime hours, as they feel others will have a better
chance of judging them. Others will drop out of school, be unemployed,
become agoraphobic, or just simply avoid any situation where people
can be found altogether. Some BDDers will be able to hold down
a job, and keep a social life, but most are constantly worrying
about what others think of them, and believe they come across
much less confident than they really are. They harbor feelings
of inferiority, and it causes them much distress that is often
unseen by outsiders.
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Disguise: Makeup, Hair, and Clothes
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Another
behavior common to BDDers is camouflaging, or concealing, disliked
features. If we don't like our face, we'll cover it up with war
paint, a.k.a. overabundant makeup application. We usually won't
leave the house without this camouflage, and will reapply it several
times a day, trying to make sure it is perfect. We will spend a
tremendous amount of time trying to "fix" our problems.
For instance, if you don't like your nose, you might try to place
eyeshadow on the sides, in strategic places, to make it look like
the desired shape. The interesting thing is, the problem area on
your face can often change from day to day. One week, you are obsessed
with your nose being too large, and the next, you might believe
it's too small and not understand why you tried to make it look
smaller before! Many people with BDD wonder whether their face is
changing, or if their mind is just playing tricks, or if they are
actually seeing something different than other people see. Most
of our family and friends will reassure us that our face has not
changed overnight, and this can often cause despair, because we
believe that we will forever be stuck with this newly formed, hideous
feature!
BDDers with hair concerns may spend hours a day rearranging or brushing
their hair, trying to get it in the perfect position, or the perfect
texture. Such things as getting a haircut, or washing your hair,
can cause you to believe that your hair has been ruined, and you
cannot go on living. They can always convince themselves that it's
not quite right, and that other people will notice this as well.
They become so focused on their hair, that nothing else about them
matters, and if the hair is not improved through vigorous efforts,
then they feel a sense of impending doom, and may eventually give
up on the idea of leaving the house for the day. Sometimes when
they finally rearrange their hair to their standards, they will
refocus on the whole picture, and realize that they hate the way
they look all together, and also give up.
Many people have concerns about the overall proportions of their
body, and will try to wear clothes that flatter certain areas, such
as the neck, and minimize others, such as the torso. To the BDDer,
this all seems like normal behavior while we are camouflauging.
It feels very similar to a nonBDDer, getting up for the day, and
trying to make themselves presentable and attractive. But, the difference
for a BDDer, is they cannot leave the house without their camouflauge,
as they feel they would immediately be rejected and humiliated by
anybody that saw them. They don't wear makeup, do their hair, and
wear nice clothing because they want to look good; they do it because
they feel they need it. Very few people, except those who they truly
trust, and feel will not reject them, will see them without camouflage.
Often, they will not even allow their family or close friends to
see them completely natural.
An interesting aspect of this camouflaging behavior, is many BDDers
alternate their ideas on what looks acceptable and what doesn't.
I've known several BDDers that will wear their hair down for two
years, never letting a single hair blow out of place, because they
feel they will look ugly if their face is revealed. Then, they suddenly
believe that their face is much too long, and long hair only emphasizes
this, and will vow never to wear their hair down again. Some will
apply heavy face makeup for years, to suddenly decide that they
look like a drag-queen, and opt to never wear makeup ever again.
Decisions are black and white, and usually very extreme. They also
have a tendency to use very negative words to describe themselves.
These negatives terms aren't only outwardly stated, but also occur
in internal dialogues. It's not uncommon for a BDDer to make such
statements as, "I look more deformed than the Elephant Man"
or, "how could you be with such a horribly ugly person like
me?". None of this is for attention. If they say it, they truly
believe it. But, as I mentioned before, their thinking is very black
and white, and they can often change opinions on their self worth
from hour to hour, sometimes feeling all bad, and at other times
feeling good. |
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